1.  Treasure the love!

    I have often said that one of the nice things about teaching young children is that they still love their teacher! Whether you are a classroom teacher or a daytime caregiver, you are like a second mom or dad!  You take care of them for a big part of their day, you make sure they are fed and have things to play with, and you help them learn! 

A child may show their love to you in many ways, like picking a flower on the playground and bringing it to you. Even though other eyes may “see” it as a weed, or notice roots, dirt and all, know that this is a gift from the heart or maybe a peace offering if the giver has not had a good morning! Showing your appreciation for those gifts shows that you value the giver!

My favorite offering is the “love letter.” It may be a drawing of me–complete with a coffee cup, many inventive spellings of my name, or the best endorsement that I could ask for, a drawing with the caption, 'Mis Wid, her luv her kids!'"

-Marjorie Wild

2.  Let children know they are loved!

3-9 [slideshow].  Use these 7 intentional teaching strategies:

References & Resources

In last month's blog post, I introduced the first 3 "C's" in my 4 C's Framework of Emotional Support.  These 3 C's - connection, calming and compassion - are supports children especially need when they are distressed.

The 4 C's Framework of Emotional Support 

I developed this model after learning from brain research and experts in child development, psychology and psychiatry, as well as from my own experience teaching young children and parenting a child with mental health special needs.  What I've learned through many years is that young children have different needs for adult support, depending on their emotional state.  When children are distressed, they need co-regulation, which in my model consists of 3 C's.  They need to feel connected, to have help calming down, and to be treated with empathy and compassion. ​ But these 3 C's of co-regulation in my model are only part of the emotional support children need to develop self-regulation.  They also require help from adults so they can learn how to handle the next upsetting situation more successfully.  That's where the second part of the framework fits in - the 4th C.

The 4th C: Capacity-Building of Self-Regulation

An important part of our job is to teach children social and emotional skills along with academic concepts.  Children do their best learning when they are emotionally calm, so that's when we should be teaching them what they need to know, whether it is social, emotional, cognitive, language, or physical skills and concepts. ​ For their emotional development and well-being, children need lots of help from adults to learn to self-regulate.  Our role is to build children's capacity for self regulation.  We provide this "capacity-building" not only through direct instruction, but also through the many ways we support children's social emotional learning. The goal is to help children become better able to handle emotionally challenging situations.

Connecting when children are calm  is different than providing connection when they are distressed. The goal is to build and strengthen the relationships by engaging in what I call "connecting activities."  These are enjoyable games that include emotional warmth, close contact, and playfulness (adapted from Bailey, 2015).  To really connect, children need to feel we enjoy being with them.  We must also be on their level and physically close, using eye contact and touch if that is comforting.  Connecting activities should also include an element of fun for everyone! (See our blog posts on connecting games and resources 2, 3 for examples of activities.)

The time to teach children calming techniques such as deep breathing and other mindfulness practices is when they are calm.  (See our blog posts on mindfulness and resource 7 for calming activities for children.) ​In addition, children need to learn the specific self-regulation and social skills  that are challenging them.  These include:  Taking turns, following directions, using words to communicate, and many others.  (See our blog post on games that build self-regulation for examples of skills that children learn over time with adult help.)

If we want children to learn self-regulation skills, we need to practice our own in front of them.  We can do this by narrating our own thoughts and actions; this is called "self-talk."  To provide this support, talk aloud when making decisions or problem-solving.  Narrate your thinking when a frustrating situation arises, sharing how you are feeling and what you are doing to stay calm or regain your composure.  ​ We can also narrate children's efforts to self-regulate.  This is called parallel talk.  An example:  "You started to get frustrated when you couldn't get the puzzle piece to fit.  You took a few deep breaths, and then you were ready to try turning it a different way."

All young children need predictable daily schedules so they know what to expect.  And all children benefit from knowing when transitions are coming and what they will need to do. Some children, however, have a delay in the self-regulation skill called cognitive flexibility (6).  They are unable to shift gears from one activity to the next without at least some help from an adult.  Imagine that these children are like a wheelchair-bound child at the bottom of the stairs.  We wouldn't say to the child, "In 5 minutes you need to meet me at the top of the stairs."  Rather, we would provide a ramp and push the child's wheelchair up the ramp.

We know that children learn best through play.  Research shows that playing games that get children to stop and think are especially helpful for the development of self-regulation skills (9).  One example is singing the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" but having children point to different body parts than the ones in the song: "When I sing 'head', put your hands on your toes. When I sing 'shoulders', put your hands on your knees..." See the blog post on self-regulation for 11 games that develop self-regulation.)

​Part of building children's capacity for self-regulation means making it more likely that they will be successful.  Sometimes that means we need to adjust our expectations of individual children's behaviors or adjust the environment - or both. ​ Children who have difficulty with self-regulation have lagging skills in key skills:  flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance and problem-solving (6).  Research shows that children with ADHD have a 30% delay in self- regulation (also known as executive functioning), and children who have experienced early trauma have a 50% delay.

We build children's capacity for self-regulation when we  provide opportunities for children to learn about their feelings.  We can talk with our children about the different feelings we all have and help them label those feelings. We can boost their vocabularies and their self-understanding when we use lots of different words, not just the basic happy, sad, mad and scared.  (Search for lists of feelings words for children to get some ideas.) ​ We can also help children recognize what other children may be feeling during a specific situation. We can tell social stories using real situations, talk about pictures of different feelings, play games with feelings faces such as lotto and memory games, and discuss feelings as we read books.​

References & Resources

1. Connection​

Brain research tell us that "the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult” (2). To connect with children, stay close!  If the child is comforted by touch, by all means hug them, rub their back or stroke their hair. If touch doesn't calm that particular child, get on their level and stay within an arm's length. ​Here are two more strategies for connecting with upset children:

2. Calming

To calm an upset child, first we must remain or regain calmness ourselves.  This is sometimes easier said than done if the child's behavior is triggering our own upset!  But there are several calming strategies we can apply to ourselves and to children:   Take deep breaths. Research shows that deep breathing slows the heartbeat, lowers or stabilizes blood pressure and lowers stress. Think positive.  If we are thinking, “this kid is driving me crazy, then they will.  If we think instead, “she is doing the best she can.  I know how to help” then we can!​

3. Compassion

The first step in showing compassion is to give empathy.  Let children know that you understand how they are feeling.  Notice without judging; communicate that all feelings are acceptable. Give empathy according to the child’s state of mind:   When a child is acting out physically (flailing on the floor, hitting, throwing, etc.), reflect what their body is doing:  "Your face is going like this..." When children are crying, name-calling, whining, threatening, notice what you think they are feeling:  "You seem angry." When children are complaining about the problem, commiserate with what they are saying:  "It's hard when..."

References and Resources: