When young children are upset, they usually need help from adults to calm down.  And the more upset they are, the more help they need!

When children are distressed, acting out, or having a tantrum or a meltdown, they don't often know what to do.  Sometimes as adults we don't know what to do, either!  We may try distraction ("Look at this book"), reassurance ("You're okay"), questioning ("Why are you crying?),  reasoning ("We have to clean up so we can have our snack") or consequences ("You need to be by yourself until you can calm down").  Unfortunately, these efforts don't always work as well as we'd like.

Brain research  and experts in child development, psychology and psychiatry show us a better way (1, 2, 4, 7).  To handle their upset, children need three things from adults:  Connection, help with calming, and to be treated with empathy and compassion.  In my Framework of Emotional Support, I call these the 3 C's of co-regulation.  (Co-regulation is the set of the adult strategies we use to help children manage overwhelming emotions.) 

Let's look at strategies for each of the 3 C's of co-regulation:

After giving empathy, show compassion by offering to help the child deal with the feeling.  Let them know "I'm here to help."  Your job is to help them deal with the feeling, not to "give in" to what the child wanted that started their upset.

I hope these strategies help you support upset children with the  3 C's of connection, calming, and compassion.

Later, when children are calm and ready to learn, we can provide the other support they need.  I call it capacity-building of self-regulation:  We can build their capacity for self-regulation and resilience.  We do this by teaching them what to do instead and by applying other strategies and environmental supports to help them handle future challenges. 

Watch for the next blog post for information about this fourth "C".

The most important thing adults can do for children is to provide them with a warm, caring relationship.  Be their attachment figure, the special person they can turn to with trust that their needs will be met.  Whatever role you play in the lives of young children, you are making an impact both now and for their lifetimes.  By nurturing responsive relationships with children, you are not only providing the secure base that allows them to explore their world.  You are also setting a strong foundation for the learning, behavior, and health in their futures, by helping them build strong brains with the capacity to be self-regulated and resilient.

As young children's caregivers and teachers, we have an incredibly important and challenging job.  Here are a few of my favorite motivational quotes to encourage you.  

​Encouragement from ECS:
Here's a quote from a child development theorist that reminds us of the most important thing young children need to thrive - Love!
Urie Bronenbrenner was a renowned developmental psychologist whose work helped to establish the federal Head Start program.  His Ecological Systems Theory stressed that the environments in which children grow deeply affect their development.  Bronfenbrenner showed how policies and programs that support families, communities, and the larger society have a huge impact on children's health and well-being. (6)
Within our family, child care, and educational environments, we can support children by showing them we really care, no matter what!

Rita Pierson was a passionate educator from here in Houston, Texas.  She was an advocate for underserved children and understood the importance of teacher-child relationships for students' learning and self-esteem.  For some powerful inspiration, watch her TED talk; you'll be in good company - it has been viewed over 13 million times! 
​She encourages us to go the extra mile for our children, no matter how challenging it is - or they are! Although Pierson has passed away, her legacy lives on. 
​You have it in you to be the champion for the children you teach, even the "tough ones" - they are the ones who need you the most.  Let's follow Rita's example and make a difference in all our children's lives!

When you give the gift of a smile to a child, you receive one as well - even if the child doesn't smile back. 
Mother Teresa, a Catholic Saint and founder of the Missions of Charity, is known worldwide for her service to the poorest of the poor in Calcutta, India.
We can't all rise to the level of service that Mother Teresa devoted her life to, but we can serve our children by doing our best to meet their needs. We can start with the simplest of things - a smile!  It will help them feel our love and care.  Try smiling more with your children - it will brighten their days and yours!

A wonderful way to improve children's behavior is to focus on strengthening your relationships. 
PJ Caposey is an award-winning educator and author who is currently serving as a school district superintendent in Illinois.  Caposey advocates for improvement of school systems, believing that an emphasis on teacher-student relationships are a big part of the needed change.  He tells us that "great teachers have the goal of serving and connecting with students first - not creating a compliant culture." (3).
So be a great teacher of young children.  You can start by Just having fun with your kids.  You will be strengthening your connections and improving behavior at the same time!

Children who are exhibiting challenging behaviors are crying out for connection.  It's difficult to feel loving toward a child who is hurting others or us, but we must give them what they need in that moment: connection and emotional safety.
Dr. Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline®, is "an award-winning author, renowned teacher and internationally recognized expert in childhood education and developmental psychology." (4)  She encourages us to see children with positive intent:  Assume that they are doing the best they can and that they need our help to do better. 
How can we help children improve their behavior?  Start with a strong, caring relationship!

Dr. Bruce Perry is a renowned clinician and researcher specializing in children’s mental health.  His clinical research and practice has focused on the effects of neglect and trauma in children as well as in adolescents and adults. His work has been "instrumental in describing how childhood experiences, including neglect and traumatic stress, change the biology of the brain – and, thereby, the health of the child." Dr. Perry's "Neurosequential Model©, a developmentally sensitive, neurobiology-informed approach" to clinical work, education and caregiving is used by many organizations that serve at-risk children and their families. (1)
Dr. Perry's work illustrates that we can change children's lives for the better when we focus on our relationships with them. We may become the most influential person in a child's life, helping them develop to their full potential.  What can you do to help children to heal when they have experienced trauma?

The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University "supports scientific research that can inform the testing, implementation, and refinement of strategies designed to achieve significantly better life outcomes for children facing adversity." (7)  Check out the Center's Resource Library for helpful videos, infographics and papers. 
Children need healthy relationships to thrive, and it's our job as caregivers to help build those relationships! What are some things you do to help children feel connected to you?

John Bosco was an Italian priest who dedicated his life to the education of the poor, especially the boys working as child laborers in Turin, Italy. He modeled his belief that educators should act like caring parents; he demonstrated gentleness and kindness as he taught the boys and provided their lodging and other material needs. Bosco realized that for children to feel loved, educators must build friendly relationships with them, by sharing in their interests and joining in their play. (2)  He founded two religious orders to encourage others to emphasize love, reason and religion in their teaching.  After his death he was canonized a saint in the Roman Catholic Church.
St. John Bosco's quote that reminds us that the most important thing we can do for children is to help them feel loved - no matter what! This is especially important now when COVID has had everyone stressed. What are you doing that shows helps children know you care?

I hope these eight quotes help to encourage you as you do the difficult but rewarding work of educating the children in your care.  If you focus on establishing and strengthening your relationships with each of them, you will be giving them the strongest foundation for their future success.  You may also be giving yourself a gift as well:  You'll be sharing in the children's  joy and wonder as they discover the world around them!

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.) Serve and return.  https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/
Bailey, B. A. (2001).  Easy to love, difficult to discipline: The 7 basic skills for turning conflict into cooperation.  New York:  Harper-Collins Publishers Inc.
Head Start Early Childhood Learning & Knowledge Center Archive.​ (n.d.). The importance of teacher-child relationships in Head Start.  https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/archive/policy/im/acf-im-hs-08-21-attachment
Forrester, M. M. & Albrecht, K. M. (2014).  Social emotional tools for life:  An early childhood teacher’s guide to supporting strong emotional foundations and successful social relationships.  Houston:  Innovations in ECE Press

Here are nine of my favorite connecting games to play with school-age children.
​I hope you enjoy some of them!

Back Writing
Trace a word or phrase on a child's back and have them guess what you "wrote". 
​Use affirmations, encouragement and positive messages.

Balloon Keep Up  (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B.  (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds.  Washington, DC:  NAEYC.  pp. 51-53)
​
Have lots of balloons, and children work together to keep the balloons from touching the floor.

Special Handshake
Create a special handshake with each of your children, and use it every day to greet them.

Car and Driver  (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B.  (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds.  Washington, DC:  NAEYC.  p. 71)
​
Stand behind a child with your hands on her shoulders. 
Direct the child to stop and start using only your hands. 
The child can take a turn “driving” with her hands on your waist.

​In a Cabin in the Woods   (traditional Boy Scout camp song)

​In a cabin in the woods                          (draw a square in the air with your fingers)
A little man by the window stood        (make circles, like binoculars, with your hands and put up to your eyes)
Saw a rabbit hopping by                        (two fingers walking in front of you in the air)
Knocking at his door                              (do a knocking motion with one hand)
“Help me! Help me! Help!” he cried     (fling your hands in the air three times)
"Before the hunter finds me!"               (put hand over forehead as if shielding the sun while looking back and forth)
Little rabbit come inside                        (motion inviting someone to come to you)
Safely you may hide                                (rock your arms like you’re rocking a baby)
 
Keep repeating the song, doing the hand motions but humming instead of singing a line. So the second time you sing the song, you don’t say “In a cabin by the woods”, you just hum it and make the hand gesture. The third time, you leave out both 1st and 2nd lines (humming only) do just the hand gesture, sing the rest. You keep going until there are no words, just humming and gestures.  You can also speed up the tempo

Plainsies, Clapsies  (Henry Goyette)
Say one line as you toss the bean bag to a child.   The child repeats it as he tosses it back to you. 
Plainsies,                                (Just throw)
Clapsies,                 (clap after throw)
Roll the ball,                            (roll hands as if wheels after throw)
Dilapsies.                (touch shoulders after throw)
Highsies,                 (toss bean bag high)
Lowsies,                  (toss bean bag low)
One hand,                               (toss bean bag one-handed)
The other hand.      (use the other hand)
Touch my knee,                      (touch knee after throw)
Touch my toe ,        (touch toe after throw)
Touch my heel,                       (touch heel after throw)
And under we go!    (toss bean bag from under leg)

Try some of these connecting games, or use your own favorite connecting activities with your school-agers.  You will be helping your children - and yourself - thrive!  Have fun!

 To play a connecting game, just include these 3 things:

• Emotional warmth - your nurturing, compassionate presence
• Close contact - eye contact and gentle touch
• Playfulness - expressing joy and fun in being together

(adapted from Bailey, B.A.  2000.  I love you rituals.  New York:  HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.)

Bumpy Road
Smooth Road, Smooth Road.                                           (move child in circular motion)
Bumpy Road, Bumpy Road.                                              (bounce your child on your lap)
Rough Road, Rough Road.                                                (bounce higher and faster)
Hole.                                                                                     (dip child between your legs)
  
Did You Ever See a Baby
Did you ever see a baby,                                                   (have your child sitting on your lap)
A baby, a baby?
Did you ever see a baby,
Go this way and that?                                                       (rock from side to side)
Go this way and that way,                                                (forward and back)
And that way and this way.                                              (side to side)
Did you ever see a baby,
Go this way and that?                                                       (forward and back)
 
Giddy Up Horsey
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up horsey.                          (bounce child on knees)
Giddy-up, giddy-up, go, go, go
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up horsey.
Giddy-up, giddy-up, Whoa!                                             (let child slip through knees)

I Bounce You Here
I bounce you here, I bounce you there,                         (bounce child on knees)
I bounce you, bounce you, everywhere.
I tickle you here, I tickle you there,                                (gently tickle child)
I tickle you, tickle you, everywhere.
I hug you here, I hug you there,                                      (hug child)
I hug you, hug you, everywhere!
 
Let’s Go Riding in an Elevator
Let’s go riding in an elevator.                                          (hold child in front of you on lap)
Let’s go riding in an elevator.
First floor,                                                                           (at “first floor” start to lift child up
Second floor,                                                                      rising up a little at each floor)
Third floor,
Fourth floor,
Fifth floor,                                                                           (by “fifth floor” child should be high)
Doooowwwwwnn!                                                           (bring child quickly back to lap)

Shoe the Little Horse
Shoe the little horse,                                                         (pat child’s left foot)
Shoe the little mare,                                                         (pat child’s right foot)
But let the little colt                                                          (bicycle child’s feet around and around)
Run free everywhere.

Elephant Song
One elephant went out to play,                                        (hold up one finger)
Over the hills and far away.                                              (wave finger like it is going over the hills)
She had such enormous fun,                                           (on “enormous” circle arms out and around)
That she called for another elephant to come.            (cup hands over mouth)
“Oh Elephant!”…                                                                  (call out and then pound the floor for the running                                                                                                      elephant sound)
 (Repeat with as many elephants (fingers) as you want)

Little Flea
Creeping, creeping, little flea,                                          (creep fingers up child’s body and down again)
Up my leg and past my knee.
To my tummy, on he goes,
Past my chin and to my nose.
Now he’s creeping down my chin,
To my tummy once again.
Down my leg and past my knee,
To my toe that little flea.
​GOTCHA!                                                                             (gently tickle baby’s tummy and switch to other foot)

One, Two, Three
One, two, three,                                                                   (tap on baby’s knee)
Tickle your knee.                                                                (gently tickle baby’s knee)
Four, five, six,                                                                      (tap on baby’s tummy)
Pick up sticks.                                                                     (gently tickle baby’s tummy)
Seven, eight, nine,                                                              (tap on baby’s chin)
You’re all mine!                                                                   (hug baby)

Round and Round the Garden 
Round and round the garden,                                          (make a circle in child’s palm)
Goes the teddy bear.
One step, two steps,                                                           (fingers walk up child’s arm)
Tickle you under there.                                                     (gently tickle child under arm)
Round and round the haystack,                                       (make a circle in child’s other hand)
Goes the little mouse.
One step, two steps,                                                           (fingers walk up child’s arm)
Into his little house.                                                           (gently tickle child under arm)\

Two Little Eyes
Two little eyes to look around.                                         (point to child’s features as mentioned)
Two little ears to hear each sound.
One little nose to smell what’s sweet.
One little mouth that likes to eat.

 Young children love to move!  Older infants roll, scoot and crawl; toddlers walk, run, jump and climb. Make up some connecting games to play with them while they are on the go.  Here are a couple of examples:

Try some of these connecting games, or use your own favorite connecting activities with your infants and toddlers.  You will be helping your children - and yourself - thrive!  Have fun!

Balloon Keep Up  (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B.  (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds.  Washington, DC:  NAEYC.  pp. 51-53)
​
Have lots of balloons, and children work together to keep the balloons from touching the floor.

Calvin Ball
Play a game of catch, using a bean bag or ball.  Let the child make up rules for how to toss the ball.

Car and Driver   (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B.  (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds.  Washington, DC:  NAEYC.p. 71)
​
Stand behind a child with your hands on her shoulders. 
Direct the child to stop and start using only your hands. 
The child can take a turn “driving” with her hands on your waist.

Mr. Wiggle and Mr. Waggle  (For this story you need two thumbs.)
This is Mr. Wiggle.  He lives in a house. This is Mr. Waggle.  He lives in a house, too.  So open the doors (POP!), put them inside (POP!) and close the doors.
One day Mr. Wiggle decided to go visit Mr. Waggle.  So he opened the door (POP!), and came outside (POP!) and he went up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill until he came to Mr. Waggle’s house.
He knocked on the door, “knock! knock! knock!”  and called our softly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was no answer so he knocked louder “knock! knock! knock!”  and called out loudly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was still no answer.
So he went back up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill up the hill and down the hill until he was back at his own house. He opened the door (POP!) and went inside (POP!) and closed the door (POP!). 
Repeat with Mr. Waggle visiting Mr. Wiggle the next day. 
The next day, have them both leave at the same time.  They meet and greet at the top of the second hill then go to sleep when they get home.
(Source unknown)

​Rhyme Time
Take turns saying short sentences that end in rhyming words, pausing to let the child say the word.

Special Handshake
Create a special handshake with each of your children, and use it every day to greet them.

Welcome Back Ritual
You’ve been gone and you’ve been missed.
Where would you like your butterfly kiss?
(adapted from www.consciousdiscipline.com)