7 Strategies That Help Children Develop Self-Regulation

6/25/2022

In last month's blog post, I introduced the first 3 "C's" in my 4 C's Framework of Emotional Support. These 3 C's - connection, calming and compassion - are supports children especially need when they are distressed.

Now I'd like to share strategies for the 4th C, which is the support children need when they are calm and ready to learn: Capacity-building of self-regulation.

The 4 C's Framework of Emotional Support

I developed this model after learning from brain research and experts in child development, psychology and psychiatry, as well as from my own experience teaching young children and parenting a child with mental health special needs. What I've learned through many years is that young children have different needs for adult support, depending on their emotional state. When children are distressed, they need co-regulation, which in my model consists of 3 C's. They need to feel connected, to have help calming down, and to be treated with empathy and compassion.

But these 3 C's of co-regulation in my model are only part of the emotional support children need to develop self-regulation. They also require help from adults so they can learn how to handle the next upsetting situation more successfully. That's where the second part of the framework fits in - the 4th C.

The 4th C: Capacity-Building of Self-Regulation

An important part of our job is to teach children social and emotional skills along with academic concepts. Children do their best learning when they are emotionally calm, so that's when we should be teaching them what they need to know, whether it is social, emotional, cognitive, language, or physical skills and concepts.

For their emotional development and well-being, children need lots of help from adults to learn to self-regulate. Our role is to build children's capacity for self regulation. We provide this "capacity-building" not only through direct instruction, but also through the many ways we support children's social emotional learning. The goal is to help children become better able to handle emotionally challenging situations.

Many of the developmentally appropriate practices we use in the early childhood classroom help to build children's capacity for self-regulation. Strengthening relationships, teaching self-regulation and social skills, helping children to learn about feelings, and modeling self-regulation skills are ways to provide capacity-building strategies. In addition, sometimes we need to adjust our expectations of individual children's behaviors, accommodating possible developmental delays in executive functioning or self-regulation skills. Sometimes we may also need to adjust the environment, providing supports that make it more likely that children can navigate challenging situations. We do this when we ensure our environments are developmentally appropriate for all our children. It's helpful to include: predictable schedules with adequate warnings before transitions; a self-regulation or calming space where children can go to settle themselves down; and a variety of soothing sensory activities (5).

Let's look more closely at seven strategies for building children's capacity for self-regulation.

1. CONNECT

Connecting when children are calm is different than providing connection when they are distressed. The goal is to build and strengthen the relationships by engaging in what I call "connecting activities." These are enjoyable games that include emotional warmth, close contact, and playfulness (adapted from Bailey, 2015). To really connect, children need to feel we enjoy being with them. We must also be on their level and physically close, using eye contact and touch if that is comforting. Connecting activities should also include an element of fun for everyone!
(See our blog posts on connecting games and resources 2, 3 for examples of activities.)

2. TEACH Self-Regulation Skills

The time to teach children calming techniques such as deep breathing and other mindfulness practices is when they are calm. (See our blog posts on mindfulness and resource 7 for calming activities for children.)

In addition, children need to learn the specific self-regulation and social skills that are challenging them. These include: Taking turns, following directions, using words to communicate, and many others. (See our blog post on games that build self-regulation for examples of skills that children learn over time with adult help.)

Just as with other concepts and skills, we can scaffold our instruction of self-regulation and social skills. We can be specific on what it means to take turns or which words to use in which situation. We can coach the children (include all those involved in the situation), walking them through the behaviors you are teaching. Later, we can provide prompts or visual cues to remind them of the expectations and provide encouragement for their efforts. Of course, they'll also need lots of practice!

3. MODEL Appropriate Behavior

If we want children to learn self-regulation skills, we need to practice our own in front of them. We can do this by narrating our own thoughts and actions; this is called "self-talk." To provide this support, talk aloud when making decisions or problem-solving. Narrate your thinking when a frustrating situation arises, sharing how you are feeling and what you are doing to stay calm or regain your composure.

We can also narrate children's efforts to self-regulate. This is called parallel talk. An example: "You started to get frustrated when you couldn't get the puzzle piece to fit. You took a few deep breaths, and then you were ready to try turning it a different way."

4. Provide STRUCTURE and Predictability

All young children need predictable daily schedules so they know what to expect. And all children benefit from knowing when transitions are coming and what they will need to do. Some children, however, have a delay in the self-regulation skill called cognitive flexibility (6). They are unable to shift gears from one activity to the next without at least some help from an adult. Imagine that these children are like a wheelchair-bound child at the bottom of the stairs. We wouldn't say to the child, "In 5 minutes you need to meet me at the top of the stairs." Rather, we would provide a ramp and push the child's wheelchair up the ramp.

Children who are delayed in the skill of flexibility likewise need our support to accommodate their needs. These children need extra warnings before transitions that help them plan for the next activity, especially when transitioning from something fun to something that's not so fun. When we break the tasks down into smaller steps, we can help children get successfully through the change in activities. Here's an example:

"It's 10 minutes before cleanup, how can you get to a stopping point in your block building?"
"It's 5 minutes until cleanup, which blocks will you put away, these or those? (Giving 2 positive choices is helpful.)
"It's cleanup time, time to put away away the blocks you chose."

5. Play GAMES that Help Children To Stop and Think

We know that children learn best through play. Research shows that playing games that get children to stop and think are especially helpful for the development of self-regulation skills (9). One example is singing the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" but having children point to different body parts than the ones in the song: "When I sing 'head', put your hands on your toes. When I sing 'shoulders', put your hands on your knees..."
See the blog post on self-regulation for 11 games that develop self-regulation.)

6. Adjust your E's- Your EXPECTATIONS and the ENVIRONMENT

Part of building children's capacity for self-regulation means making it more likely that they will be successful. Sometimes that means we need to adjust our expectations of individual children's behaviors or adjust the environment - or both.

Children who have difficulty with self-regulation have lagging skills in key skills: flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance and problem-solving (6). Research shows that children with ADHD have a 30% delay in self- regulation (also known as executive functioning), and children who have experienced early trauma have a 50% delay.

So we must accommodate these children's developmental delays in self-regulation. We may need to adjust our expectations of these children's ability to follow directions, take turns, stay on task, and other self-regulation skills. As an example, perhaps they can leave circle time sooner, or at least take a break or have a fidget toy or wiggle cushion to help them move while listening.

Secondly, sometimes we need to adjust the environment. Children with sensory processing problems often become overwhelmed by sensory input, that is, by the sounds, lights, smell, and touches they experience in the environment. So we may need to accommodate these hypersensitive children by adjusting the sound and light level, providing more comforting, enclosed spaces and including a greater variety of sensory activities and materials in our classrooms. Using visual cues such as picture schedules may also be helpful. (See resource 7 for examples.)

7. Help Children REFLECT on their Feelings and Learn to CALM Themselves

We build children's capacity for self-regulation when we provide opportunities for children to learn about their feelings. We can talk with our children about the different feelings we all have and help them label those feelings. We can boost their vocabularies and their self-understanding when we use lots of different words, not just the basic happy, sad, mad and scared. (Search for lists of feelings words for children to get some ideas.)

We can also help children recognize what other children may be feeling during a specific situation. We can tell social stories using real situations, talk about pictures of different feelings, play games with feelings faces such as lotto and memory games, and discuss feelings as we read books.

There are many books that help children reflect on their feelings and the feelings of others. Be sure to check out our own eepworm books and toys! When reading with children, talk about the emotions the characters experience and how to recognize them.

As mentioned before, we can teach children calming techniques such as deep breathing and other mindfulness practices to help children learn to calm themselves. We can also provide a self-regulation center or calming space so children can practice these techniques when they get upset. This is good for all children, not just the ones who have difficulty with self-regulation. (See our blog posts on mindfulness and resource 7 for activities for children.)

I hope you've gained some strategies that help you build children's capacity for self-regulation. Let me know which ones work best for you. Any additional tips are welcome as well - we can all learn from one another!

References & Resources

Bailey, B. (2015) Conscious discipline; Building resilient classrooms (expanded & updated ed.). Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance, Inc.
Bailey, B.A. (2000). I love you rituals. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Bailey, B.A. & Harmon, M. Songs for I Love You Rituals: Vol.1 & 2. Available at https://consciousdiscipline.com/
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2014). Activities Guide: Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/activities-guide-enhancing-and-practicing-executive-function-skills-with-children-from-infancy-to-adolescence/
Gillespie, L.G., & Seibel, N. (2006). Self-regulation: A cornerstone of early childhood development. Young children, 61(4), 34-39.
Greene, R. (n.d.) Walking tour for parents. Lives in the Balance. https://www.livesinthebalance.org/
Head Start Center for Inclusion. (n.d.). Classroom visuals and supports. http://headstartinclusion.org/tools-and-supports/classroom-visuals-and-supports/#visual
Mind Yeti. Hello, Breath. https://mindyeti.com Also available at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiaUKiwbiHMQDQLCXoPaMMYotldKlUQCw
Tominey, S. & McClelland, M. (2011). Red Light, Purple Light: Findings from a randomized trial using circle time games to improve behavioral self-regulation in preschool. Early education and development. 22. 489-519.

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