How Playing with your Children Strengthens your Relationships – and Why That Is So Important12/24/2020
1. Play connecting games with each of your children. Connecting games are those you play just to focus on your relationship with your child. You are playing a connecting game when: you feel loving toward your child, you are in close contact (using eye contact and touch when possible), and you are being playful. These activities can be brief but are extremely powerful in strengthening the bond between you and your child, which is important for children of every age. 2. Dedicate a special time to play with each of your children individually. Schedule about 15-20 minutes when you will play with your child one-on-one, allowing him or her to be in charge. Keep rules to a bare minimum and don’t try to lead their play or teach them anything. Just be emotionally present and give him or her your full attention. (Yes, this means turning off your cellphone!) Give this special playtime a name and commit to offer it consistently for each child, whether it is every day or every week. You and the child will feel closer and you will get to know your child’s interests and abilities even better! 3. Interact in ways that support your relationship. Use these relationship-building ways of interacting with your children throughout your day, when you are playing and any time you are together. They not only strengthen your relationships with them, they also set the stage for more beneficial play times between you.
These times are opportunities to engage in “serve and return” interactions. These brain-building back-and-forth interactions are like a game of tennis: Your child “serves” by looking, pointing, or talking, then you return the serve by responding to the focus of their attention. Take as many turns as you can, noticing serves, encouraging and talking about his or her interests, waiting for responses and realizing when they are ready to stop. Serve and return interactions with shared attention are an extremely powerful way to build brains! Develop rituals to foster closeness. Rituals are consistent routines that you create with each child’s needs in mind. They are designed to strengthen relationships and provide predictability and comfort to your children. If you’ve developed a way of helping your children get ready for bed based on their needs and interests that is the same every night, you have a bedtime ritual. Think of other times during your daily routine that you can build in rituals and get your children’s help in choosing activities to strengthen your relationship: getting ready in the morning, saying hello and goodbye, during rides in the car or bus, or waiting. Rituals build relationships and have the added benefit of helping make mundane routines more enjoyable times for all of you! Think positive. What you focus on is what you get! To get the most brain-building benefit out of your interactions with your children, focus on what you want them to do, not what you don’t want. When children are seeking your attention, they are really looking for relationship. This is a basic human need we never outgrow; our brains are wired for connection with others. When children are engaging in behaviors that “push our buttons”, try to think positive thoughts. Take time to observe them and listen to them, notice the good things they do, and offer encouragement as often as you can. When you think positive, your connection with your children will grow – and so will your joy in life!
Now that you know how important your relationships with your children are and have some playful ways to strengthen them, you are ready to have some fun. Enjoy growing closer with your children through play, and know you are building their brains and giving their learning, behavior and health a great start in life! Sources: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.) Serve and return. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/ Bailey, B. A. (2001). Easy to love, difficult to discipline: The 7 basic skills for turning conflict into cooperation. New York: Harper-Collins Publishers Inc. Head Start Early Childhood Learning & Knowledge Center Archive. (n.d.). The importance of teacher-child relationships in Head Start. https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/archive/policy/im/acf-im-hs-08-21-attachment Forrester, M. M. & Albrecht, K. M. (2014). Social emotional tools for life: An early childhood teacher’s guide to supporting strong emotional foundations and successful social relationships. Houston: Innovations in ECE Press Sources of Connecting Games
Bailey, B. A. (2000). I love you rituals. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (1993). Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC. Pierce County Library (n.d.) Wiggles, tickles & rhymes. https://www.piercecountylibrary.org/files/library/wigglesticklesall.pdf
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Think back to when you were a child. What were your favorite ways to play? Chances are you still enjoy a version of those things. Try to bring them back into your life, and provide opportunities for the adults in your personal and professional lives to be playful as well. According to Stuart Brown, there are eight different adult play personalities. You may have one or two of these as your primary ways to play. If you are in a leadership position, it's helpful to know the different styles of play so you can tap into what each person thinks is fun for teambuilding activities. Here are the play personalities:
Here are some teambuilding activities I've found for the different personality types. Try one out at your next staff meeting or family gathering! I've included ways to play that can be done virtually, as the COVID-19 pandemic continues.
Moving
Competing
That person then points to yet another person and says "ZAP!“ That person points to another person and says "ZOP!" This continues, but the words must be said in order: ZIP, ZAP, ZOP. If someone makes a mistake and says a word out of order, that person is out of the game. Virtual Game: “Name, Place, Animal, Thing” (https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/entertainment/g32098665/best-games-to-play-on-zoom/) To play, pick a letter. Each player lists a famous person's name, a place, an animal, and a thing that begins with that letter. The first person to type them into the online chat wins.
"Virtual Simon Says" "Simon" gives instructions on actions to do, saying “Simon says” before some actions and not others. Participants do only the actions “Simon says.” If they do the action not preceded by “Simon says” they are "out." When only one player remains that person wins. Collecting "Human Treasure Hunt" (http://scavenger-hunt.org/25-human-scavenger-hunt-questions/) Go around the room and identify people who meet the criteria on the list:
Virtual "Show and/or Tell" (https://biz30.timedoctor.com/virtual-team-building/) What do you collect? Write it in the chat! If you have a piece of your collection with you, show it, too!
Storytelling "Add-A-Word Stories" (adapted from: http://www.icebreakers.ws/small-group/connecting-stories.html)
“Exciting Sponge” (https://museumhack.com/virtual-team-building-for-remote-teams/) To play, each team member grabs a random object in arms length and creates a story about it. You can default to describing a sponge. The goal is to make up something amazing about the object. The more absurd the better! Be kind to yourself, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, and put more play in your day. Laugh and be playful every chance you get - you'll be helping yourself and sharing joy with others. Everyone will benefit! References:
Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination and invigorates the soul. New York: Penguin. Frost, J., Wortham., S. & Reifel, S. (2011). Play and child development (4th ed.,). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson. Magnuson, C. D., & Barnett, L. A. (2013). The playful advantage: How playfulness enhances coping with stress. Leisure Sciences, 35, (2), 129-144. National FFA Organization. (2009). Leadership on the go: A library of activities for inside and outside the classroom. www.siue.edu/SIPDC/PD/communication/LOG.FFA_Leadership. pdf. Proyer, R. T. (2012). A Psycho-linguistic study on adult playfulness: Its hierarchical structure and theoretical considerations. Journal of Adult Development, 19, (3), 141-149. Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (2005) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC. Yu, P., Wu, J. J., Chen, I. H., and Lin, Y. T. (2007). Is playfulness a benefit to work? Empirical evidence of professionals in Taiwan. International Journal of Technology Management, 39, (3-4), 412-429.
First, here's a little info about self-regulation: Self-regulation is a complex process that allows children to appropriately respond to their environment. In other words, it helps them manage their emotions, thoughts and behavior. It's an active, intentional process that:
Here are some examples of self-regulation skills that children learn over time:
And now, 11 Games that Develop Self-Regulation:Most of these games come from: Tominey & McClelland (2011). Red light, purple light: Findings from a randomized trial using circle time games to improve behavioral self-regulation in preschool. Early Education and Development, 22 (3). This research study shows that playing certain games helps children develop self-regulation skills. Try one of these or play any game that helps children stop and think, such as Simon Says. Just make it fun!
Have fun playing, connecting, and building self-regulation skills! Let me know how it goes, and please share some games that work for your children. Resources:
To play a connecting game, just include these 3 things:
Here are a few of my favorite connecting games to play with school-age children. I hope you enjoy some of them! Back Writing Trace a word or phrase on a child's back and have them guess what you "wrote". Use affirmations, encouragement and positive messages. Balloon Keep Up (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC. pp. 51-53) Have lots of balloons, and children work together to keep the balloons from touching the floor.  Special Handshake Create a special handshake with each of your children, and use it every day to greet them. Car and Driver (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC. p. 71) Stand behind a child with your hands on her shoulders. Direct the child to stop and start using only your hands. The child can take a turn “driving” with her hands on your waist. Hand Clapping Games Partner with a child and make up a clapping pattern as you sing the songs.
In a Cabin in the Woods (traditional Boy Scout camp song) In a cabin in the woods (draw a square in the air with your fingers) A little man by the window stood (make circles, like binoculars, with your hands and put up to your eyes) Saw a rabbit hopping by (two fingers walking in front of you in the air) Knocking at his door (do a knocking motion with one hand) “Help me! Help me! Help!” he cried (fling your hands in the air three times) "Before the hunter finds me!" (put hand over forehead as if shielding the sun while looking back and forth) Little rabbit come inside (motion inviting someone to come to you) Safely you may hide (rock your arms like you’re rocking a baby) Keep repeating the song, doing the hand motions but humming instead of singing a line. So the second time you sing the song, you don’t say “In a cabin by the woods”, you just hum it and make the hand gesture. The third time, you leave out both 1st and 2nd lines (humming only) do just the hand gesture, sing the rest. You keep going until there are no words, just humming and gestures. You can also speed up the tempo. Plainsies, Clapsies (Henry Goyette) Say one line as you toss the bean bag to a child. The child repeats it as he tosses it back to you. Plainsies, (Just throw) Clapsies, (clap after throw) Roll the ball, (roll hands as if wheels after throw) Dilapsies. (touch shoulders after throw) Highsies, (toss bean bag high) Lowsies, (toss bean bag low) One hand, (toss bean bag one-handed) The other hand. (use the other hand) Touch my knee, (touch knee after throw) Touch my toe , (touch toe after throw) Touch my heel, (touch heel after throw) And under we go! (toss bean bag from under leg) “Pom-Pom Push”
Try some of these connecting games, or use your own favorite connecting activities with your school-agers. You will be helping your children - and yourself - thrive! Have fun! 
To play a connecting game, just include these 3 things:
Here are some of my favorite connecting games to play with infants and toddlers. I hope you enjoy some of them! Bumpy Road Smooth Road, Smooth Road. (move child in circular motion) Bumpy Road, Bumpy Road. (bounce your child on your lap) Rough Road, Rough Road. (bounce higher and faster) Hole. (dip child between your legs) Did You Ever See a Baby Did you ever see a baby, (have your child sitting on your lap) A baby, a baby? Did you ever see a baby, Go this way and that? (rock from side to side) Go this way and that way, (forward and back) And that way and this way. (side to side) Did you ever see a baby, Go this way and that? (forward and back) Giddy Up Horsey Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up horsey. (bounce child on knees) Giddy-up, giddy-up, go, go, go Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up horsey. Giddy-up, giddy-up, Whoa! (let child slip through knees) I Bounce You Here I bounce you here, I bounce you there, (bounce child on knees) I bounce you, bounce you, everywhere. I tickle you here, I tickle you there, (gently tickle child) I tickle you, tickle you, everywhere. I hug you here, I hug you there, (hug child) I hug you, hug you, everywhere! Let’s Go Riding in an Elevator Let’s go riding in an elevator. (hold child in front of you on lap) Let’s go riding in an elevator. First floor, (at “first floor” start to lift child up Second floor, rising up a little at each floor) Third floor, Fourth floor, Fifth floor, (by “fifth floor” child should be high) Doooowwwwwnn! (bring child quickly back to lap) Shoe the Little Horse Shoe the little horse, (pat child’s left foot) Shoe the little mare, (pat child’s right foot) But let the little colt (bicycle child’s feet around and around) Run free everywhere.
Elephant Song One elephant went out to play, (hold up one finger) Over the hills and far away. (wave finger like it is going over the hills) She had such enormous fun, (on “enormous” circle arms out and around) That she called for another elephant to come. (cup hands over mouth) “Oh Elephant!”… (call out and then pound the floor for the running elephant sound) (Repeat with as many elephants (fingers) as you want) Little Flea Creeping, creeping, little flea, (creep fingers up child’s body and down again) Up my leg and past my knee. To my tummy, on he goes, Past my chin and to my nose. Now he’s creeping down my chin, To my tummy once again. Down my leg and past my knee, To my toe that little flea. GOTCHA! (gently tickle baby’s tummy and switch to other foot) One, Two, Three One, two, three, (tap on baby’s knee) Tickle your knee. (gently tickle baby’s knee) Four, five, six, (tap on baby’s tummy) Pick up sticks. (gently tickle baby’s tummy) Seven, eight, nine, (tap on baby’s chin) You’re all mine! (hug baby) Round and Round the Garden Round and round the garden, (make a circle in child’s palm) Goes the teddy bear. One step, two steps, (fingers walk up child’s arm) Tickle you under there. (gently tickle child under arm) Round and round the haystack, (make a circle in child’s other hand) Goes the little mouse. One step, two steps, (fingers walk up child’s arm) Into his little house. (gently tickle child under arm)\ Two Little Eyes Two little eyes to look around. (point to child’s features as mentioned) Two little ears to hear each sound. One little nose to smell what’s sweet. One little mouth that likes to eat. Movement Games |
| Catch Me if You Can! Toddlers love to be chased. The object: catch the child with a big bear hug and tickles You can pretend to be different types of animals. Come and Get me! If your infant can crawl, spread some cushions and pillows on the floor. Stay at ground level and peep out from behind them, encouraging her to crawl over them. |  |
Try some of these connecting games, or use your own favorite connecting activities with your infants and toddlers. You will be helping your children - and yourself - thrive! Have fun!
 | Relationships between adults and children are incredibly important for children's development, especially in early childhood. Close relationships help to build children's brains, setting the foundation for their lifelong learning, behavior and health. Relationships are built over time, through "serve and return" interactions between adult and child. |
Every minute we spend building our relationships with children is time well-spent, whether it is in families or at school.
One way to build these important relationships is by playing "connecting games."
To play a connecting game, just include these 3 things:
One way to build these important relationships is by playing "connecting games."
To play a connecting game, just include these 3 things:
- Emotional warmth - your nurturing, compassionate presence
- Close contact - eye contact and gentle touch
- Playfulness - expressing joy and fun in being together
Here a a few of my favorite connecting games to play with preschool children.
I hope you enjoy some of them!
I hope you enjoy some of them!
Balloon Keep Up (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC. pp. 51-53)
Have lots of balloons, and children work together to keep the balloons from touching the floor.
Have lots of balloons, and children work together to keep the balloons from touching the floor.
| "Buddy Bob" Make a simple puppet from a tennis ball by drawing a mouth and eyes with a permanent marker. Cut the mouth so it opens when you squeeze the cheeks. Have a conversation with the child while talking for Bob. |  |
Calvin Ball
Play a game of catch, using a bean bag or ball. Let the child make up rules for how to toss the ball.
Play a game of catch, using a bean bag or ball. Let the child make up rules for how to toss the ball.
Car and Driver (Torbert, M. & Schneider, L.B. (1993) Follow me too: A handbook of movement activities for three- to five-year-olds. Washington, DC: NAEYC.p. 71)
Stand behind a child with your hands on her shoulders.
Direct the child to stop and start using only your hands.
The child can take a turn “driving” with her hands on your waist.
Stand behind a child with your hands on her shoulders.
Direct the child to stop and start using only your hands.
The child can take a turn “driving” with her hands on your waist.
 | Jack-in-the-Box Jack-in-the-Box, Jack-in-the-Box Sit so still Will --- pop up? Of course she will! This connecting game started as a transition activity after circle time. It was appealing to me as a teacher for several reasons:
|
Mirror, Mirror!
Take turns with a child copying each other’s moves and facial expressions.
Take turns with a child copying each other’s moves and facial expressions.
Mr. Wiggle and Mr. Waggle (For this story you need two thumbs.)
This is Mr. Wiggle. He lives in a house. This is Mr. Waggle. He lives in a house, too. So open the doors (POP!), put them inside (POP!) and close the doors.
One day Mr. Wiggle decided to go visit Mr. Waggle. So he opened the door (POP!), and came outside (POP!) and he went up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill until he came to Mr. Waggle’s house.
He knocked on the door, “knock! knock! knock!” and called our softly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was no answer so he knocked louder “knock! knock! knock!” and called out loudly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was still no answer.
So he went back up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill up the hill and down the hill until he was back at his own house. He opened the door (POP!) and went inside (POP!) and closed the door (POP!).
Repeat with Mr. Waggle visiting Mr. Wiggle the next day.
The next day, have them both leave at the same time. They meet and greet at the top of the second hill then go to sleep when they get home.
(Source unknown)
This is Mr. Wiggle. He lives in a house. This is Mr. Waggle. He lives in a house, too. So open the doors (POP!), put them inside (POP!) and close the doors.
One day Mr. Wiggle decided to go visit Mr. Waggle. So he opened the door (POP!), and came outside (POP!) and he went up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill until he came to Mr. Waggle’s house.
He knocked on the door, “knock! knock! knock!” and called our softly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was no answer so he knocked louder “knock! knock! knock!” and called out loudly, “Mr. Waggle!” but there was still no answer.
So he went back up the hill and down the hill and up the hill and down the hill up the hill and down the hill until he was back at his own house. He opened the door (POP!) and went inside (POP!) and closed the door (POP!).
Repeat with Mr. Waggle visiting Mr. Wiggle the next day.
The next day, have them both leave at the same time. They meet and greet at the top of the second hill then go to sleep when they get home.
(Source unknown)
“Pom-Pom Push” (adapted from Bailey, B.A. 2000. I love you rituals. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.)
|  You need 2 straws and 1 pom-pom for this game. |
Rhyme Time
Take turns saying short sentences that end in rhyming words, pausing to let the child say the word.
Take turns saying short sentences that end in rhyming words, pausing to let the child say the word.
Special Handshake
Create a special handshake with each of your children, and use it every day to greet them.
Create a special handshake with each of your children, and use it every day to greet them.
Welcome Back Ritual
You’ve been gone and you’ve been missed.
Where would you like your butterfly kiss?
(adapted from www.consciousdiscipline.com)
You’ve been gone and you’ve been missed.
Where would you like your butterfly kiss?
(adapted from www.consciousdiscipline.com)
Try some of these connecting games, or use your own favorite connecting activities with your preschoolers. You will be helping your children - and yourself - thrive! Have fun!
Author
I'm Diane Goyette, a Child Development Specialist, Trainer, Consultant and Keynote Speaker. I'm excited to introduce my blog!
Whether you are a child care provider or administrator, a teacher, a parent, or a helping professional who supports young children and families, I hope you get some helpful tips to make your job easier and more enjoyable!
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