Supporting Children When They Are Distressed: 3 "C'S" they Really Need From Us

When young children are upset, they usually need help from adults to calm down.  And the more upset they are, the more help they need!

When children are distressed, acting out, or having a tantrum or a meltdown, they don't often know what to do.  Sometimes as adults we don't know what to do, either!  We may try distraction ("Look at this book"), reassurance ("You're okay"), questioning ("Why are you crying?),  reasoning ("We have to clean up so we can have our snack") or consequences ("You need to be by yourself until you can calm down").  Unfortunately, these efforts don't always work as well as we'd like.

Brain research  and experts in child development, psychology and psychiatry show us a better way (1, 2, 4, 7).  To handle their upset, children need three things from adults:  Connection, help with calming, and to be treated with empathy and compassion.  In my Framework of Emotional Support, I call these the 3 C's of co-regulation.  (Co-regulation is the set of the adult strategies we use to help children manage overwhelming emotions.) 

Let's look at strategies for each of the 3 C's of co-regulation:

1. Connection​

Brain research tell us that "the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult” (2).

To connect with children, stay close!  If the child is comforted by touch, by all means hug them, rub their back or stroke their hair. If touch doesn't calm that particular child, get on their level and stay within an arm's length.

​Here are two more strategies for connecting with upset children:

• ​Show pictures of people being cared for or hugged.  Research show that seeing these images diminishes the fight, flight or freeze response (5).
• Try singing!  Here's an example from my preschool classroom:  The children enjoyed reading the book,  Love You Forever by Robert Munsch,  In the story there's a song about a parent's unconditional love ("I'll love you forever / I'll like you for always / As long as I'm living / My baby you'll be.") I adjusted the last two lines of the song to express my caring connection with the children in my class:  “As long as you need me / Your helper I’ll be”​

2. Calming

To calm an upset child, first we must remain or regain calmness ourselves.  This is sometimes easier said than done if the child's behavior is triggering our own upset!  But there are several calming strategies we can apply to ourselves and to children:  

• Take deep breaths. Research shows that deep breathing slows the heartbeat, lowers or stabilizes blood pressure and lowers stress.
• Think positive.  If we are thinking, “this kid is driving me crazy, then they will.  If we think instead, “she is doing the best she can.  I know how to help” then we can!​

• Be mindful.  Focus on the here and now.   Notice your body and your surroundings.
• Get curious.  Ask yourself about your feelings and the child’s: How am I feeling?  Why? What does this child need from me right now?
• Engage the senses.  Focus on what you are seeing, touching, hearing, smelling, and/or tasting.
• Move!  Research shows that strenuously using the large muscles in the body helps to reduce the stress chemicals released during upset, which then helps us calm.

3. Compassion

The first step in showing compassion is to give empathy.  Let children know that you understand how they are feeling.  Notice without judging; communicate that all feelings are acceptable.

Give empathy according to the child’s state of mind:  
When a child is acting out physically (flailing on the floor, hitting, throwing, etc.), reflect what their body is doing:  "Your face is going like this..."

When children are crying, name-calling, whining, threatening, notice what you think they are feeling:  "You seem angry."

When children are complaining about the problem, commiserate with what they are saying:  "It's hard when..."

After giving empathy, show compassion by offering to help the child deal with the feeling.  Let them know "I'm here to help."  Your job is to help them deal with the feeling, not to "give in" to what the child wanted that started their upset.

I hope these strategies help you support upset children with the  3 C's of connection, calming, and compassion.

Later, when children are calm and ready to learn, we can provide the other support they need.  I call it capacity-building of self-regulation:  We can build their capacity for self-regulation and resilience.  We do this by teaching them what to do instead and by applying other strategies and environmental supports to help them handle future challenges. 

Watch for the next blog post for information about this fourth "C".

References and Resources:

1. ​Bailey, B. (2015) Conscious discipline; Building resilient classrooms (expanded & updated ed.). Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance, Inc.  
2. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.) Key concepts:  Resilience https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/  developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/
3. Gillespie, L. G., & Seibel, N. (2006). Self-regulation: A cornerstone of early childhood development. Young children, 61(4), 34-39.
4. Greene, R. (n.d.) Walking tour for parents. Lives in the Balance.  https://www.livesinthebalance.org/ 
5. Norman, L et al., 2015. Attachment-security priming attenuates amygdala activation to social and linguistic threat.  Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience,10 (6), 832–839. https://academic.oup.com/scan/article/10/6/832/1734249
6. Rice, M. (2012). Understanding the importance of self-regulation for preschoolers. Innovations and Perspectives. Virginia Commonwealth University.
7. YouTube.  (2012, Feb 28). Dan Siegel - Connecting to Calm. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV3hp_eaoiE
8. YouTube.  (2020, Mar 17). Hello Breath:  Listen.  Mind Yeti ​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIPMk9qHJBQ&list=PLiaUKiwbiHMQDQLCXoPaMMYotldKlUQCw&index=2